


what's in a name?

by vvelna



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, M/M, nonbinary phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 06:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14664996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvelna/pseuds/vvelna
Summary: Phil is nonbinary. Dan and Phil discuss name changes.





	what's in a name?

“Addison, Adrian, Alex, Alexis...honestly, half the names on this list sound masculine anyway. Especially paired with this,” said Phil, gesturing down at his body.

He closed his laptop and tossed it to the side, where it landed on Dan’s stomach, eliciting a strange grunt.

“Don’t take this out on me, mate. You’re only on the As. And there are other sites, you know.”

They were side by side in bed, sat up against pillows with their legs stretched out in front of them.

Phil was trying to pick a new name.

He wasn’t even sure he _wanted_ a new name. It felt more like a necessity. If he was going to come out as nonbinary—to more people than just Dan and his close friends and family—then he needed to fit the part, right? Who was going to believe him if his name was still Phil?

Dan opened up Phil’s laptop and starting scrolling through the “Unisex Baby Names” site Phil had been looking at.

“Here are some Ps, if you want to ease the transition: Paris, Parker, Payton, Perry—”

“I hate all of them,” said Phil, pulling one of the pillows out from behind his head and squashing it into his face.

“How about Thor?”

Phil giggled.

“That is _not_ gender neutral. I don’t need people thinking of a giant, masculine, blond sex god when they hear my name.”

“Thor’s a sex god now?”

“There is so much fic I need to make you read.”

“Right. Clearly.” Dan sat up and shifted to face Phil better. His voice slipped into a soft, serious tone. “You know you don’t have to do this unless you really want to, right? Your name doesn’t change anything about who you are. And you love the name Phil.”

“I know. It’s just, every time I introduce myself to someone, I feel like a huge billboard that says MAN appears on my forehead.”

But he was also thinking about how he’d have to change all of his social media if he decided to go by a new name. No more AmazingPhil. No more Dan and Phil—a decade of joint branding invalidated, an empire toppled. It would be such a hassle, just like it had been for Dan when he decided to rebrand.

But this wasn’t a rebrand. _Thinking like that is just proof that you’re not really nonbinary. If you were you’d take this more seriously. You’d have changed your name a long time ago. You wouldn’t use he/him pronouns. You’re faking it._

He felt a heavy weight in his stomach. A mass of doubt and fear that seemed to never stop growing, no matter how much time passed.

*

Two years earlier, when Phil first came across the word “nonbinary” online, a spark had ignited in his brain. Everything else around him disappeared as he feverishly scrolled through dozens of blogs and wikis and tumblr posts. It felt like someone had crept into the dark, neglected corners of his mind and turned on a light. _This is me!_

He kept reading. After a month, he felt brave enough to tell Dan. It was one of the scariest things he’d ever done. Even though Dan was always criticizing gender roles and the concept of gender in general. Even though he knew Dan loved him. But the person Dan was in love with was a man. The person Dan lived with and worked with, ate with and slept with, kissed and fucked—shared an entire life with—was a man.

Phil had shaken so much when he sat Dan down at the kitchen table. He could barely speak. Dan took his hands.

“Whatever you want to tell me, Phil, it’s okay. I promise I won’t be mad.”

Phil took one of his hands out of Dan’s comforting grasp, pulled his phone out of his pocket, and passed it to him.

“J-just…just read. Please.”

Phil had known he’d probably be too tongue-tied to just come out and say it. That his anxiety would drive the air from his lungs and put him in a chokehold. So he’d opened up his notes app and written what he’d wanted to say there. He figured he’d either read from it if his mind went blank, or, if even that was too much, just give it to Dan.

Phil watched Dan’s brow furrow as he read. He’d written too much. It probably didn’t make any sense. Dan was going to hate him now.

Phil started crying. He couldn’t help it.

Then Dan put the phone down on the table and scooted his chair closer to him. He threw an arm around his shoulder and rested his head on Phil’s.

“Phil…hey. It’s okay. God, I thought you were gonna tell me you cheated on me. Or that you killed someone. But this? This is great, Phil. I love you. I’m so glad you told me.”

They talked for hours and cried together. Then Dan made tea and ordered a pizza and milkshakes. Phil spent the night feeling like he had completely left his body. Like he’d cried himself right out of it. He was physically and mentally exhausted, his feelings a strange mix of euphoric relief and terror at the prospect of what would come next.

Little by little, he’d come out to more people. Every time was terrifying, but Dan was always by his side, and always willing to roleplay with him what he wanted to say ahead of time. It got easier. After the third time he didn’t even cry anymore.

People were generally supportive, if not always understanding. Phil had a feeling his parents would never understand. They smiled and told him they loved him no matter what, but he could tell they didn’t get it. The sanctity of gender roles was branded into their brains. Maybe he was wrong. He’d thought they’d never fully accept his sexuality, but after years of seeing him and Dan be so happy together, they seemed to never even give the fact that he was with a man a second thought. Only time would tell.

*

And now Phil wanted to come out to his audience.

It was kind of ridiculous, honestly. The wildest thing he’d ever done on his main channel. He never made stuff that personal. Not about his sexuality, his mental health, his political opinions, his relationship, his life in general.

But it felt really important for him to share this aspect of himself. It was getting more painful every day to know that millions of people were misgendering him—not maliciously or intentionally, but just because they had no way of knowing.

Phil wanted people to know. He accepted that it would paint a target on his back. He’d probably lose fans and subscribers. His twitter replies and mentions would be vile. The comment sections on his videos would become a cesspool. Maybe he’d just disable comments for a little while. Not just to spare himself, but to protect the nonbinary fans he knew he had.

He thought about those fans whenever he started to lose his resolve.

*

Dan had already promised to help Phil film his coming out video. More like insisted.

“You helped me film my depression video—the most difficult video I ever made. You have to let me help you with this.”

It would just be Phil on camera, but Dan was going to help him film cutaways. He wanted the video to be personal but also informative. Serious, but lighthearted. Because AmazingPhil was a lighthearted channel. Nothing about his content was drastically changing. Nothing about him was changing either. He wanted people to see that he was the same Phil, just with a little bit more of his heart exposed.

The only problem was his name.

*

Phil rubbed his temples. His head hurt. His throat was dry and his contacts were itchy. Dan and him had been looking at baby name sites and bouncing ideas back and forth for almost two hours.

Nothing felt right. He’d joked about having others names in the past, but when he imagined introducing himself as something other than Phil, he felt like an imposter. Like he was an undercover spy or an actor. He wanted to feel more genuine, not less.

But how could he make people see AmazingPhil as anything other than a man?

Dan took the laptop off Phil’s lap and placed it gently on his bedside table. He moved closer and put his head on Phil's chest. When he spoke, Phil could feel the vibrations of Dan's voice in his chest beside his heartbeat.

“You don’t have to decide anything right now, you know that, right? You can change your name now, or in a week, or never. You can change it five times and then change it back again. But you don’t have to rush into that just for the sake of this video.”

It was moments like this when Phil felt like his body really couldn’t contain the amount of love he felt for Dan. He’d barely been able to handle his feelings when they’d first met, and they just seemed to keep intensifying. The longer they were together, the more he came to understand Dan, and the more Dan understood him. Nothing made him feel safer and happier than the depth of their mutual familiarity and knowledge of each other.

Phil buried his face in Dan’s curls and breathed in their scent. Dan had used his shampoo again.

He sighed.

“Okay. You’re right. I like Phil and I’m not going to stop being Phil unless I stop liking it. But there’s still a name we need to worry about. An even more important one.”

Dan lifted his head to look at Phil.

“What? What name?”

“The title of my video, obviously.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i'm velvetnautilus on tumblr if you want to say hi :)


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